May 18, 2012 was one of the best days of my life. I had finally finished my undergrad degree. I smiled so hard that day. I felt so accomplished and as if I had endless possibilities just lined up in front of me. I had no idea what I was going to do or where life was going to take me, but I was ready for it.
Almost immediately after starting training for that job, I started to feel the excitement die. I wasn’t smiling the way I had been. I wasn’t praying the same. I just felt like all my happiness, optimism, creativity and determination were slowly being sucked out of me. I would hide under the covers in the large (and quite comfortable, might I add) king size bed of my hotel room and cry. I couldn’t figure out why. How am I crying and unhappy when I have a great job with benefits less than a month after graduating from college? I would stand in the mirror and stare at myself and try to find a reason why I couldn’t smile as much as I had been. I tried to find that optimistic, happy Courtney from May 18th. She wasn't in that bathroom mirror. She wasn't in that hotel room. And she definitely wasn't in Texarkana, TX.
I was terrified of how I was feeling. I knew that feeling and I knew where it could lead; a road that I had been traveling down and trying to manage the bumps and detours of since 2005. I felt as if I was having a relapse into the depressed and panic attack-prone Courtney that I thought I had suppressed with years of medicine, prayer and determination. But the longer I tried to deny it was happening, the more I felt myself slipping back into the girl that didn’t want to leave her room, talk to anyone, was afraid to go anywhere and had less than an ounce of care about anything.
Five weeks of trying to explain my unhappiness to family and friends, putting on a happy face at work, trying to overlook my disappointment with the job, and traveling back and forth finally took its toll on me. Somewhere between Baton Rouge, La and Alexandria, La, in the all gravel parking lot of a nameless small town gas station, I lost any remaining elements of happy Courtney. I found myself sitting in a rental car, no music on, just the sound of the pouring rain and my cries for help to God. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t continue the drive to Texarkana, yet I couldn’t turn around and go home. I just sat there in that car and released all of the pain I had bottled up for the last month. I was scared out of my mind because I realized that it finally happened...the bottom fell out.
After hours of getting on the road (in both directions) and returning to that gas station to cry, and conversations with my boss (Someone who would’ve gotten a "Needs Improvement" on the compassion scale of an evaluation), mom, stepdad and sister, I finally got back on the road...home.
I don't even remember that drive and barely remember the rest of that day. I just remember not feeling any less unhappy even though I was home in my bed. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and there was nothing I could do to free myself. I attempted to have more conversations about how I was feeling, but I just couldn’t get the words out. I felt like I was screaming, but no one could hear me. I tried to get myself together and get back on the road to Texarkana to finish out my final days of training. Big fail. Panic set in and I ended up literally crying on the shoulder of my stepdad. I remember only saying a few things: "Why is this happening to me?" "God help me" and to my stepdad "I don’t want you or anyone else to be disappointed in me". My stepdad held me and let me cry it out before he said "You know what, we're not worrying about (the company) today. We're going to go to lunch and we'll try this again tomorrow." And that’s what we did (Thanks Mr P).
The next day, I visited my physician and she increased my daily dose of anti-depressants and suggested I go to counseling. Later on, I called the appropriate parties in that company and parted ways. I just couldn't do it. I could barely say the name without bursting into tears. I could barely leave home without having a panic attack. I thought that I would feel better after leaving, but I didn't. I was still depressed. Still crying all the time. Now, I was having panic attacks several times a week and barely able to function in a day because of fear of another attack or crying spell. I was officially on that dark and depressed road again and this time I was lost. By the way, there are no MapQuest directions for that road. You have to find your own way.
After weeks of crying, counseling, prayer and major support from family and friends, I was able to finally face my reality and accept the decision I made. After avoiding saying the name of the company, avoiding talking too much about it to anyone outside of my counseling sessions and avoiding any location of it for weeks, I finally walked into one of the stores. I held my mom's hand, did a breathing exercise that I had learned in counseling and faced my fear. I swore everyone knew that I used to work for the company and the way that my short-lived stay with them ended. My mind was racing and my heart damn near jumped out of my chest, but I fought through it. I stayed in that store with my mom and we shopped for about a half an hour. With my mom by my side, I conquered that fear.
I used to cry almost every day. Then I would have a few bad days a week but not every day. Eventually I would have "moments" but I learned to breathe and talk myself out of them. Well, it’s been several weeks since I conquered that fear and I am doing well. I haven’t had a panic attack in a couple weeks and I have been getting out into the world and fighting my way through the depression. I wasn’t going to let it steal months of my life as it did before. I have found many activities that keep my mind from being idle and vulnerable to negativity and sadness. I have been doing lots of DIY projects and of course, lots of school related work. By the way, today I completed my final assignment for my second semester of grad school! *pats self on back*
I enrolled in an 8-week wedding/event planning class last month and I love it. Pretty soon I'm going to have a Bachelors, Masters and certification in wedding/event planning (in my Beyoncé voice "Check my credentials!" Ha!). It’s a lot of hard work and it can all be very time consuming, but it’s keeping me busy. I haven’t started working again though. Honestly I am terrified of starting the job hunt all over again. I know I have to do it eventually. Unless I get swept off my feet by some handsome and extremely rich man soon..... *daydreams* LOL
Love,
Coco
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